A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo.
Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?"
The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you."
The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?"
Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"
My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
TV and Weather and Internet, too.
There's just no limits to what it can do.
Check my blood pressure and my temperature
Without even probing all my apertures.
I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
I can track the migration of thousands of geese
Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
Email to pester with, video to shoot,
Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
...but how do I just simply make a phone call?
An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman.
“Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”
“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin, my son.”
“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never come. This is my first.”
“How come this your first confession?”
“I’m a Buddhist.”
The priest frowned. “Then… why are you telling me all this?”
“Telling YOU? I’m telling everyone!”
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
The church in my town fell on hard times recently.
There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The week rolls by, and the friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, maddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the friars.
Hue scares all the friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true:
Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"
On an RAF station in East Africa in the early 1930s, the Station Commander somehow managed to get hold of a very elderly lion, nearly blind, with hardly a tooth in his head. He called it "Clarence", and with care and gentle management Clarence became quite friendly and rather a pet for everyone on the whole squadron.
One morning a newly-arrived member of the squadron was going up for exercises and noticed the runway was blocked by a familiar-looking shape stretched out in a snooze halfway along it. He tried blipping the throttle a few times but the lion paid no attention, so after a while the pilot got down, jogged up to the animal and yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!", reinforcing it with the toe of his well-polished uniform shoe.
The lion opened one eye blearily, gave him an offended look, then lumbered to its feet and slunk off into the long grass.
Landing after half an hour of circuits and bumps, the pilot picked up the nearest phone and called the CO's office. "Sir," he complained, "I wish you'd keep that lion of yours under control. I had to shoo him off the runway before I could take off just now!"
"What the hell are you blathering on about?" responded the CO. "Clarence has been napping under my desk all morning!"
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."
A man’s relatives from Mexico came to visit for the first time, and he wanted to give them a true American experience. He decided to take them to a football game.
Unfortunately, by the time they got to the stadium, the only seats left were in the nosebleeds, partially blocked by a giant support column.
The man was embarrassed. He apologized to his uncle and said, "I'm so sorry the seats aren’t better. We can hardly see the field from here."
But his uncle waved him off and said, "Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be here."
The game started, and the man noticed his uncle was incredibly cheerful, even more so than he expected. He clapped along, cheered loudly, and had a smile plastered across his face the entire time. After the game ended, the man couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer.
“Uncle, I’m so glad you had a good time, but tell me, why were you so happy? We could barely see the game!”
His uncle beamed and said, “Well, I was so touched by how nice everyone is in America! The entire stadium stood up and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?"
"My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night and invites the whole family to spend the holiday and meal together.
The family gathers, but the couple's children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud: "Ugh, your children, always late."
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain: "Ugh, what's with the food here, why is it always late?"
A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says: "Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time." A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: "Ugh, this clock... always late."
Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity.
The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.
In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they first had to find him.
Suddenly struck with an idea, the Pope went to gather the world's most renowned authors and artists. When they were assembled, the Pope set them to work on creating the most elaborate work of fiction in history. Every corner of this work was written and illustrated, every blade of grass meticulously described out in words and brush strokes.
After years of continuous work, the project was finally compete. Bound together into a million page book, the tome described a universe in more detail than real life could ever manage. The book was placed on an alter, and with the preparations compete, the ritual began.
To everyone's amazement, as soon as Holy Light stuck the book, Lucifer himself appeared. Like a shadow in the light, his presence radiated evil. But it was too late for him, the light closed in onto the book, and Lucifer was bound within it, never to escape.
There was silence for a minute, then everyone erupted into cheers. Amidst the celebration, someone asked the Pope how he knew where to find Satan. The room grew quiet as the generals and Cardinals awaited his answer. "Well", he began, "It was really quite simple."
"Everyone knows the devil's in the details."
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him.
The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman.
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My dad is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom.
"This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta use the bathroom first."
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom.
The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
During the second world war, three military prisoners were about to be executed. A private, a sergeant and an officer.
Two guards brings the private forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Suddenly the private private yells, "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around, allowing him time to run away as fast as he could.
The angry guards then bring the sergeant forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." The sergeant then screams, "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. allowing him time to escape in the confusion.
The guards, very angry now, bring the office forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."
The officer shouts, "FIRE!"
Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.
An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.
"This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good.
"More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck
"Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.
At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself.
He replied "Many hands make light work."
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"
All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married.
Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia.
"Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? "
"Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor."
"Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia."
"The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best."
"Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand.
The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?".
A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch.
When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall.
"Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up.
"Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is."
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everyone shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"
"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life."
A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
A politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mount Everest.
They arrive there and start climbing the long way up the tallest climb on Earth. It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up.
Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break.
The doctors say they should all hang on and wait for help. Nobody believes they will arrive on time.
The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!"
Nobody wanted to jump. Everyone held onto the rope with their hands tightly.
Then, the politician let out a sigh. "You people are valuable resources for the country. A doctor can save so many lives. An engineer can build so many innovative things. But what am I? A useless politician. What do I do for society? Nothing. I just give speeches and that's it." - he gives out a very heartfelt sigh.
The others were so touched, they all started clapping for the politician.
It's been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington D.C, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated.
Bewildered, since he hadn't heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down and then driving off.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!"
"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed John.
"And they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom."
"Jeez Louise!" moaned John.
"Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!"
"Lord have mercy!" cried John.
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" asked John.
"About a gallon."
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Bill Gates dies and for some reason goes to hell for some reason.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been greedy all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Asmodeus..
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Asmodeus.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?" asked Asmodeus.
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which keys?"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
A Neo-Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile.
Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Neo-Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar.
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf."
The Neo-Nazi looks again at the Jew and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman.
The bartender shrugs: "Well he does own the bar."
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"Nah," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!"
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!"
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "S*x!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other lethal creatures.
The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them three wishes.
Nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and partying.
Suddenly, there was a big splash. The host looked and saw a man swimming for his life across the tank. Thankfully, he made it across in one piece.
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright - you made it! WOW! What are your three wishes?"
The man replied: "First, you see that towel over there? Give it to me.
Second, see that shotgun over there? Give it to me too.
Third, who's the jerk that pushed me in?"
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
A soldier is reading a book while off duty when he sees his sergeant coming. Everyone hated sergeant Thompson, he always had a big stick up his bum.
"Private."
"Sergeant Thompson, Sir!" the soldier said, standing up smartly.
"At ease."
The soldier gladly returned to his book... until he realized the sergeant is still standing over him, staring at the cover.
"Yes, Sarge?"
"What's that rubbish you're reading there, private? Re..incar..nation? What's that all about?"
"Well," smiles the soldier, "It's pretty simple sir. Say you died, God forbid, and we buried you. Then a few months later grass grew on that plot of land. Then a cow came and ate that grass. As nature dictates, a few hours later it passes it through its stomachs and dumps it out on the ground...
Then I would walk by and say: "Hey Sarge, you haven't changed a bit!""
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games.
The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.
The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in.
They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line.
Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.
He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start some idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"
An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him.
While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops.
"Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more."
The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man.
He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around.
By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them.
"Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief.
But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him.
Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the old man "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
Some time ago, in a little village, there was a yearly tradition. The people of the village, who were usually very polite and God-fearing, would, for one day, participate in a competition of curses.
So once a year, everyone gathered in the village square and watch their fellow villagers go one by one on the little dais and try to come up with the most foul and creative curses in as flowing and natural a manner as possible.
This year wasn't going so well, unfortunately. While some people were pretty creative, no one really impressed the village with their profanity. They've heard variations of it all before.
It was late in the afternoon, and all the promising talents have already gone up. It came time for lesser talents, and Peter was known to have some good curses on occasion, so he was called up. They called his name several times, but he wasn't answering.
Eventually, after a few minutes, they heard the door to the outhouse slam and Peter ran up the stage, and as he arrived he had already begun a flow of such profanity, such nasty cursing, that everyone took a step back. He was jumping up and down and saying such things that even ruddy, experienced old men blanched at this incredible tirade of pure verbal pollution.
Eventually the flow of curses ebbed. The village people all stared at him, amazed into silence.
"Alright," said Peter brightly, "got that darn zipper up, now for the cursing!"
Should Brexit take place?
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the as*holes in Parliament.
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look here, Sonny - what these people are looking at is 85 years old, but the Hat is BRAND NEW!”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
A poor man takes a stroll on a Friday evening. As he's walking, he's thinking about what he can do to get some extra cash in his life.
Suddenly, a puff of smoke appears and out of it steps the Devil himself!
He whispers, terrifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"
The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money he could pull out of the ATM on 27. He is shocked when he actually wins!
Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put them on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and ... wins again!
Now everyone in the casino is amazed, they check the wheel, nope no tilt or bias (and it was outputting numbers randomly before), seems like genuine luck, reluctantly he's given almost two hundred thousand dollars and leaves elated. Outside he meets the Devil again who again tells him to go put everything on 27, the man is shocked but does so, and wins for the third time!
And now he's given most of the casino's bank, millions of dollars, walks out shining like a star, and says to the Devil, "I don't know why people say you're the most sinister being there is, you've been so kind to me today!!"
The Devil gives him a pained look and says: "You know something? You are the luckiest son of a gun I've ever bloody seen!!!"
It was a beautiful day, and at a little fish restaurant a cry suddenly goes up: "My son! My son is choking! Someone help!"
Many of the diners try all kinds of techniques, but none work and the son's face is quickly turning blue. Then a man from a nearby table stands up and says: "Don't worry, I have experience with these kinds of things."
He walks over calmly to the boy, leans down and grabs him hard in the testicles.
He squeezes and a fish bone comes flying out of the mouth of the child. But he is still choking, so the man takes a step back and kicks the boy savagely in the ribs.
Another bone flies out and the child can suddenly breathe. Everyone cheers and claps the man on the back as he slowly walks back to his table and sits down.
"THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" cry the happy mother and father of the boy. "Are you a doctor?"
"No," says the man. "I work for the tax department."
Two very old men were having a conversation about se*.
Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
"Darn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"
A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty.
As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn't help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying. "I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!" He moaned. "Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore!" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.
The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar's sympathy for the guard got the better of him. He marched right down to the museum curator's office and kicked in the door.
There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting.
"What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?" shouted the museum director.
"Gentlemen," said the burglar, "I'm afraid you've let your guard down."
There once was a cruel king who enjoyed executing whoever he pleased. A minister once gave him wrong advice the king decided to have him killed. He ordered that the minister to be thrown to the ravenous and vicious guard dogs.
The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do THIS?"
The king was without mercy.
The Minister fell on his knees pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs."
The king thought about it, weighed his curiosity vs. his blood lust, and finally agreed.
In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to feed the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comforts for them.
When the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The ferocious dogs were wagging their tails, playing with the condemned minister and even licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the my vicious dogs?!" He growled.
The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all of it at my first mistake!"
The King then realized his own great mistake.
The next day, he replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
So Shamus and Johnny were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!
Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA to the cabin saying "Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. unfortunately we have lost one engine, but do not worry, I will ensure your safety.
The plane lands on water, and the captain calmly says, "Hello passengers, we have successfully landed on the water, I hope all of you are fine! Now, all of the people who can swim, please go to the right side of the plane. The people who can't, please go to the left.
Johnny mentioned to Shamus, "See this is what I love about this airline, they always have backup plans for every situation!"
Shamus replied, "Yeah, pare, I agree, the crew seems well trained for these situations."
After everyone was arranged according to their swimming abilities, the captain spoke, "Everyone who can are on the right side of the plane, please evacuate the plane immediately and carefully. And to those on the left side of the plane...
Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines."
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
A new blonde stewardess began her first day.
The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.
The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks."
Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.
She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing.
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.
Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate.
Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going."
Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first."
The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first."
Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents."
Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong."
Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up.
The second blonde steps up.
Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you."
Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry."
The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde.
The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?"
The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone."
Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?"
The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
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