Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
You're quite the catch, baby.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.