“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.