What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
The Arizona desert's full of cacti, but I've got the biggest prick.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
You have one compact set.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
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