What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
I could never Passover you.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
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