It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
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