Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
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