What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
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