What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
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