There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
I'm Havana dream about you.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
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