What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
"I've found some bunny to love."
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Go to BabaMail
