Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

V
V

Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!

Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.

What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.

“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson

What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.

What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.

Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.

I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.

What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.

What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!

What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.

I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.

"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.

What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you

Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.

What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

Believe in your elf.

The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.

Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.

What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!

What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute

What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”

"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."

I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.

Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.

Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.