What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
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