What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
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