When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Go to BabaMail
