Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!