Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
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