There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help.
Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into her office, leaned back in her chair, folded her hands into a steeple and asked her how she could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well, Margaret" said the doctor, raising her voice, "I think the first thing we're going to do is to give you a hearing test."
With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.
This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn't fall. Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they asked.
"It’s very nice," she replied. "Except they won’t let you fart."
A nun was flying to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!
Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales, and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"
A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Lady, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to crap when I tell you the price."
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"