Always

Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
The KGB and the Rabbit
The KGB and the Rabbit Years ago, the CIA, the Mossad and the KGB were tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest as a friendly competition between agencies. The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an array of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time. The Mossad returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a fraction of the cost. The KGB agents return after 5 days with a giant bear. Surprised and bemused, the other parties laugh and say to the KGB that they were supposed to bring back a rabbit! The KGB agents replied: "This is a rabbit, ask it for yourself if you don't believe us." As they all turn towards the bear. The bear glances at the KGB agents fearfully and says: "I'm a rabbit."
Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.
I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”