Why did Stalin only write in lower case? he was afraid of capitalism.
The American Assistance
It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called POTUS Bush Sr. to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Gorbachev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.' replied the President.
"I do need help," said Gorbachev . "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Gorbachev .
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter?" said Gorbachev .
"No problem." replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."
"Easily done, Mr. President. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Bush.
"I want each to say 'Made in the USA, Size: Small"
A zoologist, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.
The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."
The zoologist approaches the snake carefully, then, using his knowledge, tries to grab the back of the snake's head. But the snake was quicker, and his hand got bit before it got 2 centimeters from the snake. He falls dead almost instantly.
The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake from being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites him, and he falls over dead.
The politician is last up, he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him.
He holds it for a full ten minutes and is set free.
After he leaves, the psycho looks at the snake and says "why didn't you kill that last one?"
"Professional courtesy." Murmured the Snake.
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane.
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.
The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.
The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute.
The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
It was a late one night in Washington D.C, when a well dressed man went out to smoke in an alley behind a bar.
As he was smoking, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out from behind a dumpster and pointed a gun at him.
"Give me all your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback
...he had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.
The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."
Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?"
Farmer: "I'm a farmer."
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced.
Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?"
Immediate yes from the farmer.
The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees.
Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government."
Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that."
Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?"
Farmer: "I actually have two cows."
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared.
"Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me."
"Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men.
After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this:
"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character.
But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
A large sinkhole opens up on a remote town. An alarming number of people fall into it and injure themselves and it's difficult to get them all to the small hospital they have.
The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. However, they only have 2 ambulances and they're needed more in the center of the town to get there quickly.
So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone nods in deep wisdom. Alas, after a few days it's obviously not really doing much and it just creates more accidents with too many cars on the smaller roads.
Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole.
Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole and then we dig a new one next to the hospital!"
Once upon a time there was a thief and a politician who were friends. One day, they entered a chocolate store.
While they were busy looking around, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the thief said to the politician: "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The politician replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and politician said to the shopkeeper: "Hey do you wanna see magic?"
The Shop keeper replied: "Sure!"
The politician says: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop keeper gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second, and he ate that as well.. He asked a third, and finished that one too.
The shop keeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The politician replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find it!"
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.