New Jokes

I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
How Many Times Must You "Fall"? There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
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