On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
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