Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
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