What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!