Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
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