There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squire's polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom wasn't so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squire's polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and couldn't fight. The squire of the third kingdom couldn't rouse the elderly knight in time for combat.
So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
It just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day... It's night.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
The Cat Poem
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
and sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
and someone nice to scratch my back,
for windowsills all warm and bright,
for shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay cool,
and keep the secret feline rule,
To never tell a human that
the world is really ruled by cats!
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Farmer Comes to the Rescue
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
I just watched Sunday Night Football. There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What Time is It?
A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house.
After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.
A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep.
After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep.
Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep.
The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"
This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say."
The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities!
At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
"Rooms cost £20 per night, we don't accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days."
"Alright then, could I get something to eat ma-"
"Kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?"
"Yes, could I please talk to George?"
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” Dave Barry
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” Rebecca Romijn
Goldilocks was killed last night. The killers did it with their own bear hands.
The Stuttering Tortoise
A long time ago, when animals ruled the lands, a band of tortoises made its slow way from their old home, now turned too cold for them, to a new one down south.
Every night they went to sleep and left a guard to call if a predator shows up. Everything went fine until the third night, when Elvi the stuttering tortoise was put on guard duty.
In the middle of the night, he saw a fox, and he started calling out: "Ff...fff...ffff...." but before he could finish the warning, a fox came and snatched one of the tortoises away.
The rest of the tortoises were very angry with Elvi, and so they made him watch again the next night, warning him he better not repeat his mistake.
In the middle of the night, Elvi starts saying "W...wwww.wwwwwoo..." but before he could finish, a wolf comes and snatches another tortoise away.
Now the tortoises are livid. They tell poor Elvi that if this happens again, they will kill him themselves!
So the third night comes, and Elvi sees another fox, and so he calls out: "Ff... ffff... fooooxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!" He screams it so loud everyone wakes and they fight the fox away.
As a big thank you to Elvi and his keen eyesight, they gathered around him with praise.
He is so happy, he says: "Hip Hip!"
"Hooray!" they all cheer.
"Hooray, hooray hooray!!!"
And then a herd of hippos ran over them.