A joke taking place in a bar or about a bartender.
Too Much Alike
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the fellow is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"Nah," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!"
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!"
The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!"
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."
The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink.
The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans over it.
Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk man says:
“I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely naked in the hallway. Man, she’s fine!”
The biker looks at the drunk man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused because people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him in the past.
Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!”
Still no response is received from the biker, however, his buddies are now starting to get angry.
The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you something else too – your grandma loved it!”
At long last, the biker stands up and says: “Dammit Grandpa, you’re drunk! Just go home!”
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed.
The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying tanks of gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits."
The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck."
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing
The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said, "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?" The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.
The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singer now!"
The owner laughed and said, "Don't worry, the rat is a ventriloquist."
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
For the Family
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained.
"It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'
Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck's, the real king of beers.'
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually, Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'
Patrick replies, 'Well, if you lot aren't drinking, then neither am I.'
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, I'm afraid you’re not.”
Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.”
He saunters back into the bar with both priests. As he comes in, the bartender looks up, sees the drunk and groans: “Oh Jesus Christ, YOU'RE back again?!”
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.”
The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass.
“Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!”
“Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together.
The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100.
“Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?”
The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
"1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife's going to kill me," he says to the bartender.
But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won't work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
"So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?"
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers."
His wife starts nodding understandably: "Ah ha, makes sense."
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
"Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, idiot."
Joe and his buddy Jim were known around town as a little less than clever, when they weren't drunk, that is. One day, digging a ditch, while their foreman sits on a lawn chair in the shade, drinking lemonade. It's a hot day, and Joe starts wondering why the foreman isn't doing any of the work.
"Hey Jim?" he asks. "How come we're down here digging the ditch, and the boss is up there, drinking lemonade in the shade?" "Dunno..." Jim replies, and they go back to digging.
After a while, Joe decides he needs to know. "I'm gonna go ask him." He climbs up out of the ditch and goes over to the foreman. "Hey boss? How come me an' Jim are down there diggin' the ditch, and you're up here drinkin' lemonade?"
The foreman looks at Joe, and says "Well... because I have intelligence, and you don't."
Joe scratches his head for a moment, then asks, "What's intelligence?" The foreman considers this, and says "Well, let me give you some." He holds his hand up in front of the trunk of a big oak. "Hit my hand as hard as you can."
Joe shrugs, rears back, and swings. At the last moment, the foreman pulls his hand out of the way, and Joe punches the tree instead. "What'd you do that for?!?" he cries.
The foreman smiles. "I just gave you some intelligence." Joe heads back into the ditch, considering this.
After a while, Jim asks him, "So what did he say?" Joe says, slowly, "He says it's because he has a lot of intelligence... and I have a little bit of intelligence... and you don't have any intelligence at all." Jim asks, "What's intelligence?"
Joe replies, "I'm not really sure, but he gave me some, and I'm gonna give some to you."
Joe holds his hand up in front of his face. "Hit my hand as hard as you can..."