Second Jokes

You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
Little Johnny and the Psychology Question A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
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