Help Jokes

I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
The Old Snake and the Doctor A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed. “What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
A Matter of Experience It was a beautiful day, and at a little fish restaurant a cry suddenly goes up: "My son! My son is choking! Someone help!" Many of the diners try all kinds of techniques, but none work and the son's face is quickly turning blue. Then a man from a nearby table stands up and says: "Don't worry, I have experience with these kinds of things." He walks over calmly to the boy, leans down and grabs him hard in the testicles. He squeezes and a fish bone comes flying out of the mouth of the child. But he is still choking, so the man takes a step back and kicks the boy savagely in the ribs. Another bone flies out and the child can suddenly breathe. Everyone cheers and claps the man on the back as he slowly walks back to his table and sits down. "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" cry the happy mother and father of the boy. "Are you a doctor?" "No," says the man. "I work for the tax department."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
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