Help

“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
A Matter of Experience
A Matter of Experience It was a beautiful day, and at a little fish restaurant a cry suddenly goes up: "My son! My son is choking! Someone help!" Many of the diners try all kinds of techniques, but none work and the son's face is quickly turning blue. Then a man from a nearby table stands up and says: "Don't worry, I have experience with these kinds of things." He walks over calmly to the boy, leans down and grabs him hard in the testicles. He squeezes and a fish bone comes flying out of the mouth of the child. But he is still choking, so the man takes a step back and kicks the boy savagely in the ribs. Another bone flies out and the child can suddenly breathe. Everyone cheers and claps the man on the back as he slowly walks back to his table and sits down. "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" cry the happy mother and father of the boy. "Are you a doctor?" "No," says the man. "I work for the tax department."
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
The Old Snake and the Doctor
The Old Snake and the Doctor A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed. “What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!