Jokes with a Priest

Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
A boy goes to confession.

Boy: "What are you doing father?"
Priest: “Its called masturbation and soon you'll be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that father?"
Priest "Because my hand is getting tired.”
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? The balls are just for decoration.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are molesters, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
The Miracle Child
The Miracle Child A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do. Long About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try.” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
The Priest and the Police Officer
The Priest and the Police Officer An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. A police officer notices a car swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles all over the floorboard, the policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?" "I don't know what you're on about, officer. I had just only left church after giving praise to the lord for his many blessings and miracles," said the priest. The policeman frowned, "Well then, what's in the bottles?" "Water", the priest replied. The policeman reached in and grabbing a bottle, opened the top and was quickly overcame with the smell. "This is wine!" The priest then promptly shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
The Priest and the Candle
The Priest and the Candle Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick..... Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there". "Yes Father" Says Rosy. "How is your husband and the little ones ?" "Husband is fine but so far, no children". Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there." "Thank you, Father Patrick." After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again. "Hello Rosy, how's everything? Did you have any kids?" "Yes Father. I have three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids". "Wow! Where is your husband?" "Oh, he's gone to Rome all of a sudden... Said something about blowing off some candle."
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
The Holy Drunk
The Holy Drunk A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, I'm afraid you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He saunters back into the bar with both priests. As he comes in, the bartender looks up, sees the drunk and groans: “Oh Jesus Christ, YOU'RE back again?!”
The New Confessional
The New Confessional Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Shocked, he realizes here’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!" The priest freezes and stares at him. “Get out, you idiot. You’re on MY side!"
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Forgive Me Father For I Have Sworn
Forgive Me Father For I Have Sworn A Catholic goes to confession. "Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins. "Go on my son." says the priest. "I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man. "Continue." says the priest. "I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway." "And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man. "Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man. "Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore." "You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole." They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the feckin' putt, didn't you?"
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
The Lucky Priest
The Lucky Priest One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race! Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'. The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with most people, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
A Priest and Nun On the Road
A Priest and Nun On the Road A priest and a nun are on a trip to a faraway monastery when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere as a blizzard rages above them. They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night, the nun calls out, "father, father, I'm cold!" so the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "is that better, sister?" he asks. "yes father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with "father, I'm still cold!" so once again, the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better, sister?" he asks. "Oh yes, father, that's much better," she says. So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag, and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of "Father, father, I'm just so cold!" The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the Lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a minute. She can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative "OK, father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married." "Wonderful." The father replies, "Now get up and get your own darn blanket, you great lazy lump!"
The Priest, the Rabbi and the Monk
The Priest, the Rabbi and the Monk A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No." The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No." Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?" The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"
The Rabbi, the Priest and the Restaurant Bill
The Rabbi, the Priest and the Restaurant Bill A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other. The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!" Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it." Rabbi: "Sure, but the waiter won't believe you, right?" Priest: "Of course he won't. That's when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying." Rabbi: "Very nice, I'll be trying this." Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favorite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill. Rabbi: "Oh, I already paid." Waiter: "Mmm, I'm pretty sure you did not sir." Rabbi: "You know I'm a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid." Waiter: "So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you're good to go." 15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table. 30 minutes... 45 minutes... 1 hour and he is still there! The waiter walks up to him: "Sir, why are you still here?" Rabbi: "Well, I'm waiting for the change!"
How to Use Timbuktu!
How to Use Timbuktu! A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
The Priest, the Angel and the Perfect Golf Swing
The Priest, the Angel and the Perfect Golf Swing There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. As this was going on, an angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away! A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited, his mouth open in shock. The angel was a little shocked as well. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it... who is he going to tell?!?"
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
The Black Cat With a White Spot
The Black Cat With a White Spot Aerith and Bob were talking. "Say, Aerith", said Bob, "do you know if anybody in the village has a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin?" "I don't think so, no", said Aerith. They sat in silence for a bit, before Bob said, "Are you sure? Come on, think harder. Black cat, a big one, with a white spot underneath its chin." "I'm pretty sure there isn't a cat like that in the village", said Aerith, getting visibly annoyed. There was another minute of silence before Bob said, "But are you really, really..." "YES!" Aerith yelled. "I'm really, really sure! There isn't a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin anywhere in this village! Nobody has one!" "Well, crud", said Bob and gave a mighty sigh. "Then I must've run over the priest the other day."
The Psycho's Snake
The Psycho's Snake A zoologist, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you." The zoologist approaches the snake carefully, then, using his knowledge, tries to grab the back of the snake's head. But the snake was quicker, and his hand got bit before it got 2 centimeters from the snake. He falls dead almost instantly. The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake from being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites him, and he falls over dead. The politician is last up, he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him. He holds it for a full ten minutes and is set free.  After he leaves, the psycho looks at the snake and says "why didn't you kill that last one?" "Professional courtesy." Murmured the Snake. 
What a Priest is Doing in Hell
What a Priest is Doing in Hell A priest appears at the gate to hell. Surprised, because priests were rare in hell, a demon gets curious and jumps into the priest's path. "How'd you die?" he thunders at him. The priest replied, "I had a heart attack." Demon: "Alright, what happened?" Priest: "Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed." Demon: "Well that'd give some a heart attack alright. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell?" Priest: "Well, I was receiving confessionals when a boy walked in and said "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." I asked what he did. He said "I broke someone's windows, popped a tire on his Harley, and stole all his tools." I had a heart attack while I was wringing that little bastard's neck."
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.