Bread

What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
The Way it Used to Be
The Way it Used to Be A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
That Whole-Wheat Bread
That Whole-Wheat Bread Two very old men were having a conversation about se*. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?" To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!" So the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?' "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon. "That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. "Darn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"