Keith was known as a drunk to his friends. One night he was having a housewarming party for his new apartment.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, Keith led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Observe." said Keith, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For bloody sake, you bastard, it's 2am in the darn morning!!!"
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night and invites the whole family to spend the holiday and meal together.
The family gathers, but the couple's children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud: "Ugh, your children, always late."
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain: "Ugh, what's with the food here, why is it always late?"
A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says: "Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time." A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: "Ugh, this clock... always late."
A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle.
One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off.
Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker.
The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time.
The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.
The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?"
So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.
The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."
The lobster and the crab one day Proposed a friendly race. Agreed upon the time were they, Agreed upon the place. The start and finish lines were where The two thought they should be. The crayfish with a clock was there To act as referee. And though the rule-book then was read, Not all was clarified; For as the lobster forward sped The crab went to the side.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six, Grooms itself using its tongue and licks. I give it breakfast with a friendly pat. That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock. Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk. Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat. That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door. Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores. Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat. That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner. Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner? Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat. That's the daily night of my cat.
The lobster and the crab one day Proposed a friendly race. Agreed upon the time were they, Agreed upon the place. The start and finish lines were where The two thought they should be. The crayfish with a clock was there To act as referee. And though the rule-book then was read, Not all was clarified; For as the lobster forward sped The crab went to the side. (Jeffrey Krise)
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home... She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
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