It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
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