Smart and funny one liners

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
What do you call a toddler with a gun?
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
There was a young vampire called mable,

whose periods were always quite stable,

at every full moon,

she took out a spoon,

and drank herself under the table.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Who did the blind man fight in the bar?
The coat rack.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Why aren't prostitutes allowed near prisons?
Because a sentence shouldn't end with a proposition.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)