Smart and funny one liners

Funny One-Liners

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"