Smart and funny one liners

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
They laughed at my crayon drawing...
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day... because that field is probably not hiring.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”