What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
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