Smart and funny one liners

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
She’s asked me to move out with her.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why are women so irritable? Because men are so irritating.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.