Smart and funny one liners

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
A kid once asked me "How do Stars die?"
I told him "Usually of an Overdose."
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why was the anti-vaxxers 3 year old son crying?
He was having a mid life crisis.
What's a gay arab's favorite meal?
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega sore ass
How do you get red color from green color?
You put frog in mixer.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
My boyfriend said I have daddy issues.
That's hilarious because I never even met the man!
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes

Me: But you said 3

Genie: Sue me.
What did communists use before candles?
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What do you call a toddler with a gun?
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
I just flew in from Chernobyl... And boy my arms are legs.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time.
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond




I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”