Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.