"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
There once was a fella named Rick
Who started to date this hot chick
But brief was romance
For tucked in her pants
was a much larger dick.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.
“I’m a Para-Lympian,” he replied.
“Boxing?”
“No, hurdles.”
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
my parents are gone
so it's time to screw.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
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