Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea