Funny One-Liners

Smart and funny one liners

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
They differ in hue.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!

Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
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