When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
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