There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.