What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
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