Smart and funny one liners

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I w‌‌as screwing m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he butt w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n.
She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"
I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they actually come back.
What's worse than seeing a spider run over your pillow?
Hearing it run over your pillow.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What's the difference between an American and a Muslim teenage girl?
The American teenage girl gets stoned before s*x.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Hitler got so pissed at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, he decided to finish the race himself.
If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day... because that field is probably not hiring.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."
They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater.
Patches was a great cat.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
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