Guard

The Stuttering Tortoise
The Stuttering Tortoise A long time ago, when animals ruled the lands, a band of tortoises made its slow way from their old home, now turned too cold for them, to a new one down south. Every night they went to sleep and left a guard to call if a predator shows up. Everything went fine until the third night, when Elvi the stuttering tortoise was put on guard duty. In the middle of the night, he saw a fox, and he started calling out: "Ff...fff...ffff...." but before he could finish the warning, a fox came and snatched one of the tortoises away. The rest of the tortoises were very angry with Elvi, and so they made him watch again the next night, warning him he better not repeat his mistake. In the middle of the night, Elvi starts saying "W...wwww.wwwwwoo..." but before he could finish, a wolf comes and snatches another tortoise away. Now the tortoises are livid. They tell poor Elvi that if this happens again, they will kill him themselves! So the third night comes, and Elvi sees another fox, and so he calls out: "Ff... ffff... fooooxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!" He screams it so loud everyone wakes and they fight the fox away. As a big thank you to Elvi and his keen eyesight, they gathered around him with praise. He is so happy, he says: "Hip Hip!" "Hooray!" they all cheer. "Hip Hip!" "Hooray!!" "Hip Hip!" "Hooray, hooray hooray!!!" And then a herd of hippos ran over them.
How the Army Secures a Building
How the Army Secures a Building The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.