Dark humor jokes that have tragedy, violence and other mean acts as the source of the dark humor.
Bad News and Worse News
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some worse news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! That's horrible! What could be worse?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
There once was a cruel king who enjoyed executing whoever he pleased. A minister once gave him wrong advice the king decided to have him killed. He ordered that the minister to be thrown to the ravenous and vicious guard dogs.
The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do THIS?"
The king was without mercy.
The Minister fell on his knees pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs."
The king thought about it, weighed his curiosity vs. his blood lust, and finally agreed.
In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to feed the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comforts for them.
When the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The ferocious dogs were wagging their tails, playing with the condemned minister and even licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the my vicious dogs?!" He growled.
The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all of it at my first mistake!"
The King then realized his own great mistake.
The next day, he replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".
"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.
The officer replied: "I'm so sorry, but someone stabbed your husband and threw his corpse in the harbor."
The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"
He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"
Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"
The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
It was a dark winter night, and among the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club's bouncer was surprised to see a man in an expensive suit and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand.
"Sir, are you lost?" asked the doorman.
"Oh, I'm the statistician." came the reply.
"Then, what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician pulls out a knife.
"Oh, just standard deviation."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,
“There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!” He asks in panic.
“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.
“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for your final arrival on the ground?”, he was asked again.
He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”
A large woman goes to a plastic surgeon.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I really don't want to spend much money, but I want to make my breasts much bigger. How can you do that for me for almost no money?"
The doctor tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. Just take toilet paper and rub it on your chest every day."
The surprised woman asks, "How does THAT make them bigger?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
One day, mother walked in on teen Johnny making out with his girlfriend.
Johnny felt this was awkward, and he didn't want to the family to know he has his first girlfriend and tease him.
But his mother smiled and said: "Don't worry Johnny, I won't tell your father, this will be our little secret."
The next day Johnny sat to breakfast with all his family, when his father noticed a hickey on his neck. "Son," He said, "where did that hickey on your neck come from?".
Johnny replied: "That is me and mother's little secret."
The rest of the breakfast was very quiet.
A professional poker player dies and his spirit passes into the afterlife.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the poker player immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The poker player asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the poker player begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the poker player remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the poker player taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the poker player smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the poker player wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The poker player studies the new mark carefully. He's a large imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The poker player holds his hand out like a gun. "You'll never take me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The experienced poker player strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The poker player holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "F*** the Police!"
Wrong again. The poker player's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the poker player throws his hands in the air in pure frustration. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.
Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.
Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.
"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door.”
“Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shop." she answers.
"Frauline, don’t gif me that! You know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze bloody grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently.
"Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is broken. It does not vork!" she says.
“Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks.
"Colonel, ze pendulum only svings von vay, ze bloody thing only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK." she answers.
He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"
2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins:
"9-1-1, whats your emergency?"
The hunter nervously says, "My friend just collapsed, I think he's dead!"
The operator responds, "Ok, can you make sure?"
A gunshot is heard over the phone.
"Done. Now what?"
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave."
The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed.
"However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance."
The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed.
The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him.
When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.
"Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
Three retired gentlemen were sitting together, having coffee and talking about their life's experiences. Then one of the suggests they each relate their most exciting experience.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, and many damsels in distress to save. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third, a retired undertaker, started, “One night I got a call from the local Hilton hotel to pick up a body. I get to the room with the body, which was under a sheet. So far so good, but when I got a look at the corpse, I had a problem. It had a huge... bulge, if you know what I mean. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that bulge just as hard as I could to make it go down.” He paused.
The retired fireman asked, “ah... no offense, but how was that exciting?”
The undertaker sighed and said, “Turns out... I was in the wrong room.”
A doctor had just finished a long session of intercourse with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said: "Lots of other doctors sleep with their patients, so it's not like you're the first."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "But then again, they probably weren't veterinarians..."