I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you call a person that’s sexually attracted to trains?
A tramsexual.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
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