Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.