If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
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