I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What party game do rabbits like to play?
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
What is writing in sand called?
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What does the witch do on her birthday?
What do computers eat for a snack?
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call hell for potheads?
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
True house cleaners aren't just born
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.