Year

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
The Dangers of Drinking and Driving
The Dangers of Drinking and Driving I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?
Suicide Boomer.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.