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Old

Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.
I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.
What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?
Suicide Boomer.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
You May Be Old If...
You May Be Old If... You may be getting older if... When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!” When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today. When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
An Unorthodox Method
An Unorthodox Method A woman went to her doctor's clinic. She was seen by one of the doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. One of the younger doctors stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. She had her sit down and relax in another room. The younger doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The older doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
The Young Priest's Ideas
The Young Priest's Ideas An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. "Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
The Old Hunting Story
The Old Hunting Story One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!' Well... I just crapped my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'"
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."