The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
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