How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"