Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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