Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid. I wonder who else he's told.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon Me Why?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings? Because they're all fake.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism? In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested. His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case. I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen. Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I just love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry? Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber? Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed. (He didn't say H2O2)
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.