A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
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