Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
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