There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
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