If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
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