Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.