A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
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