There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
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