Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
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