Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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