Why did Stalin only write in lower case? he was afraid of capitalism.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed. (He didn't say H2O2)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!” Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A mosquito cried out in great pain, "A chemist has poisoned my brain!" And the cause of his sorrow Was para-dichloro- Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society. Apparently, I went too far.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested. His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case. I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen. Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
How does a mathematician lecture their child? "If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM. “You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!” “Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle. The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An electron or two.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call. The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry? Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid. I wonder who else he's told.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber? Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.