There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
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