“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier." - Judith Viorst
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
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