“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
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