“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers