“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
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