“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
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