“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
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