“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell