“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
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