“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner