“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
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