“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
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