"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
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