“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga