Funny Quotes

The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”

- Ari Fishbein.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”

- Charles De Gaulle.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”

- Rob Delaney.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”

– Neil Hilborn
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
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