The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham