“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
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