The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts