“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
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