“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
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