"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Monday should be optional.”
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown