“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
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