“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts