“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
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