"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
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