I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!