How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Resting Grinch face.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.