Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Your good seed for the day.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
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