Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Don't get tide down.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
It's ice to meet you.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I love you so fairy much.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
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