One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
"Rosé all day."
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What bat was called an invader?
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Water you doing on [date]?
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What do polar bears have for lunch?
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.