How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
French people give me the crepes.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.