I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
I have the final sleigh.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
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