Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
You’re my pot of gold.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Go to BabaMail
