What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Don't fork-get your manners.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Practice safe text: use commas.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
It’s snow joke.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
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