“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage