“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
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