Bank Jokes

What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Two Sisters and a Ranch
Two Sisters and a Ranch Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
The Smart Robber
The Smart Robber A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established and turned into passive income.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
An Evening With the Devil
An Evening With the Devil A poor man takes a stroll on a Friday evening. As he's walking, he's thinking about what he can do to get some extra cash in his life. Suddenly, a puff of smoke appears and out of it steps the Devil himself! He whispers, terrifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!" The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money he could pull out of the ATM on 27. He is shocked when he actually wins! Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put them on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and ... wins again! Now everyone in the casino is amazed, they check the wheel, nope no tilt or bias (and it was outputting numbers randomly before), seems like genuine luck, reluctantly he's given almost two hundred thousand dollars and leaves elated. Outside he meets the Devil again who again tells him to go put everything on 27, the man is shocked but does so, and wins for the third time! And now he's given most of the casino's bank, millions of dollars, walks out shining like a star, and says to the Devil, "I don't know why people say you're the most sinister being there is, you've been so kind to me today!!" The Devil gives him a pained look and says: "You know something? You are the luckiest son of a gun I've ever bloody seen!!!"
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
The Lord's Hunter
The Lord's Hunter A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season. "Godda**it," the hunter muttered. Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air! No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth. As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden. Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak. "Whoa." Then, from above him, a voice boomed: ”YOU'RE WELCOME."
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