Work Jokes

The Secret of His Success.. After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Caribbean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself." "I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I REALLY make my money."
The Best Occupation to Operate On Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Who Has the Fastest Dad? Three kids are talking about their fathers and comparing them. First kid says: "My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds." Second kid says: "That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound." Third kid says: "My dad is faster than both your dads! He’s a congressman. He finishes work at 4 o’clock but is always home by lunchtime."
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Can't Come to Work Today A guy rings his boss and says "Sorry, I can't come to work today." The boss asks him, "Why not? Are you sick?" The guy says "It's my eyes." "Why? What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. The guy says, "I just can't see myself coming to work today."
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
The Workaholic A married couple wakes up one morning, and while still lying in bed, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today?" "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband. "I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home." The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it disappeared. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag. "Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?" "You were dreaming about your work all night..." the wife answered. "Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" "Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"
Little Johnny and His Little Scheme At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret - and this makes it very easy to blackmail them, merely by saying: "I know the whole truth." So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother." The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again "I know the whole truth," he asserts boldly. The mailman stops in his tracks, then, tears in his eyes, drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms and says: "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!!!"
How to Get the Day Off Work Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"
The New Earring A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say: "So, ah... how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What Did You Do on Earth? Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company. When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?" The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in." St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her "You may go in." St. Peter asked the third man, "What did you do?" The man raised his head and replied, "I ran a large insurance company." "You may go in..." said St. Peter. The man happily walks forward when St. Peter adds: "for 3 days."
The Government Employee A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared. "Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me." "Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
From Work to Worse I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor. The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Getting Out Early Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
The Problem With the Light Switch Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy. An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said. "This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good. "More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck "Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge. At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself. He replied "Many hands make light work."
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