Every morning at 5:30am, a New Zealander man named Dave walks out into his backyard.
SLAP! SLAP!
“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!”, Dave yells.
The neighbor, Tom, could hear it through the fence and it travels all through his house waking his newborn baby up crying. This goes on for a week straight.
After the first week, Tom’s wife says “Tom you’ve got to say something!."
Tom replies, “What can I do? The Haka is a traditional Maori ritual, and he's from New Zealand. It's his culture!”
This goes on for two weeks.
Every morning...
SLAP! SLAP!
“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!” there sounds Dave's yell.
Tom’s baby is crying every morning from this. His wife fed up says, “Tom, you’ve got to say something!”
Tom, releasing this can’t go on much longer, but hesitant to say anything to Dave, replies “Honey, I know it’s early, but I’m sure he’s practicing the Haka for something important!”
“It’s been two whole weeks, I’m sure he’s done practicing. I’ll tell you what, if he does it tomorrow morning, I’LL go say something.”
The next morning…
SLAP! SLAP!
“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!” Dave yells.
Enough is enough.
Tom marches next door and knocks on Dave's door.
“Hey man, look, I've got nothing against New Zealand, but do you have to do the haka before sunrise every day?”
Dave, looking shocked standing in his door way, says nothing…
Just then an old dog walks around the corner.
Tom says, “Hi little fella!” “When when did you get a dog, Dave?”
Dave says, “About 2 weeks ago, my sister dropped him off whilst she’s away. She said he wants to be walked every morning first thing and he’s deaf as a post”
“I yell at him to come, but he can’t hear me!”
Tom says, “what’s his name?”
”Artie.”
Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.
"Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
"Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out."
The little girl starts laughing.
"What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother.
"You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far, I've made $20!"
The church in my town fell on hard times recently.
There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The week rolls by, and the friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, maddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the friars.
Hue scares all the friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true:
Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yea, but who wants HIM back?"
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”
The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”
She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it."
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
“So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
George is playing fetch with his dog by a lake.
He throws a stick out on the water and the dog trots out atop the water, retrieves the stick and walks back to him. George is flabbergasted. He throws the stick again. And again, the dog trots out atop the water, gets the stick and brings it back.
The man can hardly believe his eyes! Bursting with excitement, that evening he goes to his neighbor's house, Bill, and invites him to come down to the lake the next day, hoping to show off his amazing dog.
Once they arrive, the man throws the stick out into the middle of the lake. Just as before, the dog trots out on top of the water, grabs the stick, and trots back. Bill watches calmly and says nothing.
George throws the stick again. The dog walks on the water, gets it, and returns. Still, the neighbor remains silent.
Unable to contain himself any longer, George asks, "So... did you notice anything unusual about my dog?"
Bill rubs his chin and replies, "Yeah, I noticed. He can't swim, can he?"
Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation.
Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee.
They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous.
"What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. "You know you can tell me anything."
Mandy manages a sickly smile. "Well, you may judge me for this.. and PLEASE don't tell dad!"
"What IS IT?" Her mother demands.
"Do you know the neighbor, Jeremy, who I study with?"
"Yes..." says her mother cautiously.
"And you know his dad, Ronald?"
"Ah ha..." her mother looks more concerned every second.
"I think I'm in love with him!" Mandy blurts it out.
Her mother is shocked. "I won't allow it!"
"Mom, you can't tell me who to love!"
"He could be your father!" shouts Nina.
"I don't care about the age difference!" the daughter shoots back.
Her mother sighs.
"I think you misunderstood me."
A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas, so he asked his mother. His mother replied, "Well, we can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'
The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn't entirely true, so he tried again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it again and still wasn't sure if that was true, so he tried yet again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I'll be good all year.'
But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it.
As he was walking, he saw his neighbor's statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it. Then wrote his letter again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike!'
These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat.
The first guy asks the second, "What are you in for?"
"Camera down the throat." the second guy replies.
"Oh, endoscopy?" the first guy asks.
The second guy says, "Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?"
"Camera up the butt" the first guy says.
"Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?" asks the second guy.
The first guy says, "No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo."
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