Nothing

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.
"I'm a turtle" said the man.
"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.
"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Out On Family Safari
Out On Family Safari Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."