My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.
Out On Family Safari
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
The Moped and the Ferrari
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Will you please Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?”