A joke about things that happen between family members.
The Awkward Question
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?"
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Did you know the painter Vincent van Gogh had a very large family?
There's his dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, ang Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, WaytoGogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV, Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling, there ya Gogh!
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again. "This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
Angry that her son used such foul language, she bursts into the room and sends him to his room for an hour of time out.
After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees.
Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again.
After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen."
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
After several hours, the two men of the family come back, smiling and tired.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
"The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in.
Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are.
"Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread.
Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?"
With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer.
At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly.
"Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off.
"... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed.
"And yours are better!!" She shouts.
Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom.
On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!"
"Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does."
"Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"
Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation.
Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee.
They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous.
"What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. "You know you can tell me anything."
Mandy manages a sickly smile. "Well, you may judge me for this.. and PLEASE don't tell dad!"
"What IS IT?" Her mother demands.
"Do you know the neighbor, Jeremy, who I study with?"
"Yes..." says her mother cautiously.
"And you know his dad, Ronald?"
"Ah ha..." her mother looks more concerned every second.
"I think I'm in love with him!" Mandy blurts it out.
Her mother is shocked. "I won't allow it!"
"Mom, you can't tell me who to love!"
"He could be your father!" shouts Nina.
"I don't care about the age difference!" the daughter shoots back.
Her mother sighs.
"I think you misunderstood me."
A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo.
Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?"
The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you."
The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?"
Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"
A mother and her teen daughter arrive at the doctor's office.
The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 3 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time! "
A young Italian girl was going on her first date.
Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!"
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?"
"Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand...
Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story!"
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son:
"Junior, go get your Mother."
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That's a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish. After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy.
They decided on the name:
George came home from University in tears.
"Mom, am I adopted?"
"No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?"
George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."