Car joke

Windows vs. Ford
Windows vs. Ford At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: "If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Just a Mini...
Just a Mini... A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this..." At this point the mini owner interrupted. "But do you have a video screen in there?" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out. "I installed a Blu-Ray in my limo," said the businessman proudly. "What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
Going Under the Speed Limit
Going Under the Speed Limit Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over." "Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"
A Blond and Her Car
A Blond and Her Car A blond lived with two blond room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over. When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents. A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
A 200mph Wedding Day
A 200mph Wedding Day A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before. "I'll make you a deal," said the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous wife. As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress. With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said. Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: "Please help me! My husband's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
Because of the-
Because of the- I was on a regular drive to work when suddenly a police car flags me down to stop. I await nervously while he saunters over and raps his knuckles smartly on my window. Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "Because of the-" Car driving by: HONKKKK Me: "Because of the-" 2nd car driving by: HONKKKKKKK Me: Cop: Me: "Because of the-" 3rd car driving by: HOOONNNNKKKKKKK!! Me: Because of my “Honk if you think cops are idiots’’ bumper sticker?
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Cheapest Porsche
The Cheapest Porsche A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
Perfectly Cooked Eggs
Perfectly Cooked Eggs A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in... Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge. "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!" The husband simply smiles and remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car."
The Right Gear For the Occasion
The Right Gear For the Occasion Carolyn, a rich blond, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all... After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
The Missing Wife
The Missing Wife A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk. Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!" Sergeant: "What is her height?" Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sergeant: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sergeant: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sergeant: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?" Sergeant: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my Jeep." Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?" Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown) The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
A Holy Parking Spot
A Holy Parking Spot A man drives to the local mall. He has been driving around and around for quite some time, struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, found one!”
Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers
Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”
Surprising the Taxi Driver
Surprising the Taxi Driver Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. I've been a driver for 25 years but today is my very first day driving a cab." "What did you drive before that?" "A hearse."
Follow the Plow
Follow the Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"