A man walks into a car dealership. A salesman greets him at the door and after some chatting they end up taking a car for a test drive.
“This car is so quiet sir” exclaims the salesman “the ride is calm and relaxing”.
The man shakes his head “No, I’m buying this car for my wife and I certainly wouldn’t describe her as the ‘quiet and calm’ type”.
The salesman quickly transfers his potential buyer to another car. “Then perhaps this would be more her style! This car is quick, sleek and agile”.
The man sighs “no, my wife is certainly not the ‘sleek’ type by any means.”
Frustrated, the salesman transfers the man to a third car, a sure winner. “Now sir, I happen to know this car is very popular. Nearly every man who has been here has taken it for a test drive-“
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them
Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
“How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde.
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
A Chinese man comes to Los Angeles for a holiday. He arrives at LAX and gets a cab to take him to his hotel.
On the way he sees a few buses, and he says to the taxi driver: "The buses here are so noisy and really slow... In China the buses are very fast!"
The taxi driver says nothing.
Later the Chinese tourist sees a marine with a few boats sailing by. He comments again to the driver: "The boats here are so slow... in China the boats are very fast!"
The driver kept silent and drove.
When they get to the hotel, the Chinese tourist gets out of the taxi and askes for the meter reading. The driver calmly tells him the price, and the man is startled.
"Are you kidding?" he yells, "Your buses are so slow, the boats are so slow. If everything else here is so slow then how come the meter of your taxi is so fast?!?"
The driver gives him a smile and says: "It's made in China."
I was on a regular drive to work when suddenly a police car flags me down to stop.
I await nervously while he saunters over and raps his knuckles smartly on my window.
Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Because of the-"
Car driving by: HONKKKK
Me: "Because of the-"
2nd car driving by: HONKKKKKKK
Me: "Because of the-"
3rd car driving by: HOOONNNNKKKKKKK!!
Me: Because of my “Honk if you think cops are idiots’’ bumper sticker?
A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.
She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
A blonde lived with two blonde roommates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. They offer to send the car to a mechanic but she'd have to pay for it. She tells them she has absolutely no money. Couldn't they just send someone anyway?
The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could.
They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light."
A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance.
As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past.
"Susan!" the passenger yelled. "Do you know we just ran 3 red lights in a row? We could have been killed!"
"Oh, am I driving?" came the reply.
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A man drives to the local mall. He has been driving around and around for quite some time, struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, found one!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroads. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"