A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantstaic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down.
“Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Three new corpses are delivered to the morgue one day, each with a smile on their face.
The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.
"First body, Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.
Second body, Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most interesting of all. This is Justin, aged 25, a flat-earther. He was struck by lightning".
"Why's he smiling, then?"
"He thought he was getting his picture taken".
A young Italian girl was going on her first date.
Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!"
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
There was a young fellow named Hall, who died in the spring in the fall. 'Twould have been a bad thing, had he died in the spring, but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What Reincarnation is All About
A soldier is reading a book while off duty when he sees his sergeant coming. Everyone hated sergeant Thompson, he always had a big stick up his bum.
"Sergeant Thompson, Sir!" the soldier said, standing up smartly.
The soldier gladly returned to his book... until he realized the sergeant is still standing over him, staring at the cover.
"What's that rubbish you're reading there, private? Re..incar..nation? What's that all about?"
"Well," smiles the soldier, "It's pretty simple sir. Say you died, God forbid, and we buried you. Then a few months later grass grew on that plot of land. Then a cow came and ate that grass. As nature dictates, a few hours later it passes it through its stomachs and dumps it out on the ground...
Then I would walk by and say: "Hey Sarge, you haven't changed a bit!""
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments.
As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin.
But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died.
The Preacher, feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it, put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note.
Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said "...and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from." With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.
The note said: “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy and granny. Goodbye grandpa." The father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again:
"God bless mommy. God bless daddy. Goodbye granny." The next day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God bless mommy. Goodbye daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled.
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen.
All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games.
One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond.
"Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean.
"Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam.
"Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
How to Get Out of a Blind Date 101
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!"
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many bloody cameras."
In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 50 years.” Said the old man.
“50 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“Well, I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up wise, in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Grandpadied because we couldn’t figure out his blood type. At least he told us to be positive.
Is It Because I'm Blond?
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24."
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His Shoe.
Chuck Norris has died. He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79. But Death is too scared to let him know.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake. After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Three Funerals and a Wedding
A woman makes a new friend at the gym, a beautiful woman. A few months later, she gets a wedding invitation. Excited, she asks her friend if this is her first marriage.
"Fourth, actually." Says the other woman .
Her friend says, "Fourth?? How.. how wonderful." Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?"
The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." the woman replies.
Feeling shocked, "Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. Did he eat poison mushrooms, too?" she asks.
"Oh, no. He died of a broken neck." Came her reply.
Her friend asks, "A broken neck?"
The woman calmly looks at her and says, "He wouldn’t eat his mushrooms.."
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."
"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."
The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.
We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
A quarter dies and goes to heaven.
At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.
The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also rises to heaven but their doesn't appear to be anyone. He pushed the gate open by himself but behind it is nobody but one angel playing on his phone. The one hundred dollar bill asks for his cloud but is given a little filthy grey rainy cloud. As he tries to make himself comfortable in which is doesn't succeed, he sees the quarter on his right partying with all the angels at his enormous white cloud.
Upset he goes to God himself to complain. "Why does the quarter get the best cloud while I get this stormy trash? I'm more valuable, right?", asks the one hundred dollar bill.
But God responds: yeah, but you we didn't see that much in church.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist It died on my watch.
Joe in Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name.
"Joe." he replies.
"Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level."
"Oh, it won't be that bad then." joe replies.
"Joe, that's the hottest level," says the gatekeeper in a pained expression, "because heat rises. You'd know that if you had studied for your test."
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I screwed a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to screw a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the crap out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”
The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”
The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”
The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
"The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life? Reintarnation
A Peculiar Mummy
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.
After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel Museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "That's not something you can just determine on hand! Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops. Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
A Flat Earther in Heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven.
God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said: "Was I right?? Is the earth actually flat?"
God chuckled and said: "Of course not."
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring: "This goes even higher than I thought..."
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball Great service.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to make love without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word 'Typewriter'.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Polish Short Jokes
A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.
"What happened?" The husband asks worriedly.
"Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary."
* * *
A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan."
The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background."
Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"
* * *
A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"
The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.
The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"
* * *
Two Polish husbands are talking.
One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife."
The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?"
"Not since he brought her back."
* * *
A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died."
The friend: "Of old age?"
"No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise."
* * *
A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?"
The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married."
* * *
"Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife.
"Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."
Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them.
"Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot."
The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew.
"Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly.
"Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently.
Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles.
At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?"
The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid."
Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold.
"What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money.
“I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink.
The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans over it.
Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk man says:
“I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely naked in the hallway. Man, she’s fine!”
The biker looks at the drunk man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused because people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him in the past.
Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!”
Still no response is received from the biker, however, his buddies are now starting to get angry.
The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you something else too – your grandma loved it!”
At long last, the biker stands up and says: “Dammit Grandpa, you’re drunk! Just go home!”
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse? “Dis-mount is mine.”
How Many Years Did I Live Again?
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure. He walks into the doctor's office and says:
"DDDD Doctor, you've g g g g got to help m m m me, I'll dd do anyth th th th thing."
The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....
"Your genitals are massive, and it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you'd like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today."
"DDDD Do it!"
So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. It's a complete success, and the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery.
The next day, the man returns to the doctor's surgery.
"Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again. I'm completely cured and most of all I'm very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery."
The doctor replies: "N N N N N N No Refunds!"
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?"
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Be More Tactful Next Time
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...? Dead.
The Cat Poem
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
and sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
and someone nice to scratch my back,
for windowsills all warm and bright,
for shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay cool,
and keep the secret feline rule,
To never tell a human that
the world is really ruled by cats!
One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home. \
He looked awful, quite forlorn.
Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night.
Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants.
Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
"Today is the viewing."
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.” That was some sound advice.
His Happiness Was Worth Protecting
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Muttered the wife.
Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face.
The mortification examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.
"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.
Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most unlikely of all. Billy-bob, a farm boy from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning".
"Why's he smiling, then?"
"He thought he was getting his picture taken".
All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married.
Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life? Reintarnation
Pray For Me, Father
Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.
When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.
The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.
He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” he replies.
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear and places his other hand on top of Larry's head.
He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.
After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:
"Larry, how is your hearing now?"
"I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?"
"Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand...
Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story!"
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Erma Bombeck
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” E. B. White
When Grandma Comes Over
Grandma calls and announces that she will be coming by for a visit in about half an hour.
When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possessed and hugging her with all his tiny might.
"What is it, Eric??" She asks.
"Now that you're here, grandma, we have everything!"
"Whatever do you mean?" Inquired the surprised granny.
"When you called, mom said: 'That's all we need right now.'
So now that you're here, we have all we need!"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.
When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet."
Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"
"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ? Pallbears.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door? It was due the second hand smoke
The Old Lady and the Bold Question
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"
The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.
"Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
"Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out."
The little girl starts laughing.
"What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother.
"You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and make love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, dear... Jewelry.”
One night, little Adam walked into his parents’ bedroom to find his dad fooling around with his mom. “Dad, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied without losing a beat.
“What’s Mom doing?”
“Oh, she’s my wild card.”
That weekend, Adam went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling around in bed with his grandma.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“Well Adam, I’m playing cards,” his grandpa replied.
“What’s Grandma doing?”
“Oh, she’s my wild card.”
A few days later, Adam wandered into his older brother Steve’s room. Steve was alone.
“Steve, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“I’m playing cards,” Steve replied.
“But where’s your wild card?”
“When you have a good hand, you don’t need a wild card.”
When dad died he left me his Subaru. It was his final Legacy.
A Girl Named Love
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner. Fowl play was suspected.
A Blonde Goes to a Salon
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones.
The blonde immediately fell on the floor, flopped and died.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: "breathe in, breathe out."
A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.
At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.
As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
"Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."
Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.
God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”
Dad: "No. Say daddy."
Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!"
Dad: "What did you say?"
Mom: "I'm home!"
Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?"