Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
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