Why did no one laugh at the Anti Jokes Section? Because they weren't funny.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.