Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
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