What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
You know what they say? Words.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
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