Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
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