What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
You know what they say? Words.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.