How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Knock knock.
Come in.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
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