Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
You know what they say? Words.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
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