What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.