Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
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