What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.