Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
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