What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
You’re my heartthrob.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I have a heart-on for you.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
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