what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
All farts...are laughing gas.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.