Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
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