My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
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