I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
All farts...are laughing gas.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
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