This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Go to BabaMail
