Mom Jokes

The Awkward Question
The Awkward Question An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. "Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her: The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Your mom is so short she could ride a Doberman as a pony.
Jack was in the playground when one of his friends asked, "Yo mama so tall did she play basketball?" He replied, "Your mom is so short. Did she scrub floors?"
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”

- Dana Snow.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

- Nia Vardalos.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Can You Say Daddy?
Can You Say Daddy? Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
How Much Does He Charge?
How Much Does He Charge? A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door... A boy, about 8, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy. “No, they went into town,” the boy replied. “Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked. “No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said. The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
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