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What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
A Distraught Man Visits a Psychiatrist
A Distraught Man Visits a Psychiatrist The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!" "This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?" "Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"
Can You Say Daddy?
Can You Say Daddy? Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home...
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
How to Get Your Packages
How to Get Your Packages Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers. Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to receive them. I’m getting sick of it.” Mick, understanding his frustration, suggests “Maybe you should fight back, complain about it or something.” Dave confidently replies “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got it sorted today. I’ve put a sign on the front saying that I trade books for paint thinner.” Mick confusedly asks “And how will that solve the problem?” As though on cue, the doorbell rings and a man is heard calling out that he’s with the local postal delivery service, followed by some choice swearing. Dave, nonplussed by the whole situation, wipes his mouth, stands up and says to Mick “Because I covered the front doorstep with super glue.”
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"

Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
A Tale of Tortoise and Snail
A Tale of Tortoise and Snail A tortoise went out for a few beers and, despite being severely worse for wear, decided to walk home through the rough part of town. Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless, stole what little money he still had and, as a final insult, they sprayed obscenities on his shell. Utterly distraught, he was taken to the local police station where the fox inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants . "I don't know!" He cried, "It all happened so fast!"
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady