If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me? You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Who Has the Worst Marriage?
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!"
The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”
The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!"
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy."
The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”
Three old men are discussing their failing memories.
The first old man says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down."
The second old man says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up."
The third man scoffs and says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this he hits the table twice with his knuckle, looks up in surprise and yells "Who's there?"
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.
Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself.
The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep? For rest. (forest)
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed? It wanted to have a high resting potential.
A Bizarre Afterlife
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!
St Peter said,"I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal.
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!"
"Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH wake up! You crapped the bed!"
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen? It would be total bedlam!!
Doggie Nap Time
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'
An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path.
The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
"Shut the F up." Grunts the woman.
Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” Anthony Burgess
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” Rebecca Romijn
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” Will Rogers
The Cat Poem
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
and sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
and someone nice to scratch my back,
for windowsills all warm and bright,
for shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay cool,
and keep the secret feline rule,
To never tell a human that
the world is really ruled by cats!
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
A man finds a magic lamp. Of course, as the deal goes, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie that thunders he has 3 wishes to make..
"For my first wish, I want to be some kind of royalty." the man says.
The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged."
"For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful castle."
"It will be done", the Genie agrees.
"And I want to be married to a beautiful princess."
"I understand", says the Genie, "However, your wishes require a lot of work. But it should be done tomorrow."
So the man goes to sleep and when he wakes up, he is laying in a beautiful bed. He looks around and everything is just as he wished. He is a noble, living inside a beautiful castle and next to him a beautiful princess smiles at him.
"Oh, you're finally awake, Franz-Ferdinand. We should get up, today we're traveling to Sarajevo."
A pig goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I’ve been having these terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep. Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?"
Doctor: "Can you describe your nightmares to me?"
Pig: "They are all almost the same. First a man lures me with food, kills me and cuts me into pieces. Then he rubs salt all over my flesh!”
Doctor: "I wouldn't worry about it, looks like you’re going to be cured soon."