Medical Puns

Welcome to our Medical Puns! We hope you're feeling alright...

Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.

Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
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