Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
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