What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...