“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
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