"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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