Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Go to BabaMail
