What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
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