Welcome to our Medical Puns! We hope you're feeling alright...

How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.

Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!

Doctor 2: No, it is.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.