Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.