A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
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