My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Go to BabaMail
