Welcome to our Medical Puns! We hope you're feeling alright...

Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.

Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.