2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
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