What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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