Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "Ahhhh... actually I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I.. I have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard ... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
An Unexpected Invitation
Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild se* at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
This cello isn't the only big wood between my legs.
The Old Lady and the Bold Question
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big.
I bet your butt is as big as my grill." He tells her.
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"