Died

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
The Rabbi's Wife
The Rabbi's Wife At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?" Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?" Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago."
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Their Heavenly Vehicle
Their Heavenly Vehicle Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have s*x until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Buck?" they asked. "You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
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