Advice Jokes

Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Grandpa's Advice Was So Awesome I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12. We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandpa?" I asked. "It makes your pecker look bigger."
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Disgracing the Family A young Italian girl was going on her first date. Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
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