Seconds

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
His First Jump
His First Jump A blond guy always wanted to skydive. He waited for years before he had the nerve and enrolled in a skydiving class. They were taught how to jump and when to pull the cord. The instructor told them: "First you pull the cord after 10 seconds, if that doesn't work for any reason, pull the second cord for the auxiliary parachute. At the bottom there will be a bus waiting to take pick you up." So the blond guy takes his parachute and sits nervously with everyone as they are preparing to jump. The light comes on and they start heading out the plane one by one. When it comes to his turn, the blond guy screams and jumps. For 10 beautiful seconds, he gets to fly and hover. Then he remembers to pull the cord. Nothing happens. Panicked, he pulls the other cord. Again, nothing happens. "Oh man," said the blond guy to himself, "that bus better be down there or I'm screwed!"
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."
I can take my pants off in two seconds.
Let's see how long it takes you.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A Question of Origins
A Question of Origins My 3 year old daughter came to me and asked: “Mommy, where does poo come from?” I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: “You just had breakfast?” “Yes”, she replied. “Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.” She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: “And Tigger?”
A Little Girl Feels Sick at Church
A Little Girl Feels Sick at Church A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl. "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother. After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds?
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds...
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today