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Seconds Jokes

His First Jump
His First Jump A blond guy always wanted to skydive. He waited for years before he had the nerve and enrolled in a skydiving class. They were taught how to jump and when to pull the cord. The instructor told them: "First you pull the cord after 10 seconds, if that doesn't work for any reason, pull the second cord for the auxiliary parachute. At the bottom there will be a bus waiting to take pick you up." So the blond guy takes his parachute and sits nervously with everyone as they are preparing to jump. The light comes on and they start heading out the plane one by one. When it comes to his turn, the blond guy screams and jumps. For 10 beautiful seconds, he gets to fly and hover. Then he remembers to pull the cord. Nothing happens. Panicked, he pulls the other cord. Again, nothing happens. "Oh man," said the blond guy to himself, "that bus better be down there or I'm screwed!"
Dark Short Jokes
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds?
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds...
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
A Little Girl Feels Sick at Church
A Little Girl Feels Sick at Church A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl. "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother. After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
TV Puns
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Jokes For Women
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Birthday Jokes
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Appliance Puns
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Chuck Norris Jokes
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Hand Puns
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Mushroom Puns
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Stove Puns
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Yard Puns
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Funny Tall People Insults & Comebacks
My relatives said, "You are so tall you don't need a ladder to climb?" I just replied, "How does it feel to hear anything I say after 10 seconds?".
Kangaroo Puns
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Food Quotes
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
A Question of Origins
A Question of Origins My 3 year old daughter came to me and asked: “Mommy, where does poo come from?” I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: “You just had breakfast?” “Yes”, she replied. “Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.” She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: “And Tigger?”
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