Married

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy
The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
The Personal Ad
The Personal Ad A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, NOR RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!” She snorted, “You don't have any arms either!” Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!” She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???” The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
A Mother Explains
A Mother Explains A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and make love.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, dear. Jewelry.”
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
His Special Birthday Request
His Special Birthday Request There was a man who was very happily married, but, every birthday he would have the same fantasy request for his wife: He wanted a threesome, and every year the wife says no. This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees. “Fine Sam, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?” George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works in accounting at my office?” “Yes, of course.” the wife responds. “Well, with her." Said Sam, "and one of her friends.”
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?

Go on their honeyearth.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.