Honey

Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
There was a Scotsman named McFee,
who got stung on his balls by a bee,
he made tonnes of money,
by producing lots of honey,
every time he went for a pee.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
Grandma and Her Boyfriend
Grandma and Her Boyfriend A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:  "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. "The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
If your gonna be two faced, honey at least make one of them pretty.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
The Prisoner Has Escaped
The Prisoner Has Escaped A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s*x. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. A few minutes later the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!" The husband rolls over and yells, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
The Shocking Postcard
The Shocking Postcard A long time ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, though she wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card... then promptly turned white and fainted. Alarmed, she picked up the card on the floor and read aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Her Italian Vacation
Her Italian Vacation A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?” “Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for - an Italian girl!” “Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”
A Quarter in Heaven
A Quarter in Heaven A quarter dies and goes to heaven. At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity. The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also rises to heaven but their doesn't appear to be anyone. He pushed the gate open by himself but behind it is nobody but one angel playing on his phone. The one hundred dollar bill asks for his cloud but is given a little filthy grey rainy cloud. As he tries to make himself comfortable in which is doesn't succeed, he sees the quarter on his right partying with all the angels at his enormous white cloud. Upset he goes to God himself to complain. "Why does the quarter get the best cloud while I get this stormy trash? I'm more valuable, right?", asks the one hundred dollar bill. But God responds: yeah, but you we didn't see that much in church.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.